If your ass is a Chinese restaurant I ll have the poo-poo platter
My friend Jerry Vandergrift kissed me in Home Ec. class
Later in the afternoon some jarheads in the locker room kicked my ass
I said guys I m like you I like Monster Trucks too
Wanna see how many push-ups I can do?
I just wish I was queer so I could get chicks
Chicks dig guys that are
Queer guys that don t dig
Chicks that don t dig guys like me
See I m not queer I m too ugly
But if I were handsome just imagine how great it would be
Incognito as gay though but not actually that way though pseudo homo phony
Maybe it s a stupid theory or maybe just stupidity
But if I was a queerbee in the fashion industry
Scoring with a super model would be easy
Cause super model means voluptuous but is also is synonomous with super dumb
Ya see I d be a good listener so she d treat me like a sister and soon I d become
That trusted friend that cares that rubs her back and braids her hair
No it wouldn t be a week before I m in her underwear
I wish I was queer so I could get chicks
Chicks dig guys that are
Queer guys that don t dig
Chicks that don t dig guys like me
See I m not queer I m too ugly
Doesn t matter what I m packin in my denim it s what s in my genes
The only smoked meat the only sausage I would eat is made by Jimmy Dean
See I m not to keen on the smell of Vaseline
No I m not Princess Di and I don t wanna be a queen
I wish I was queer so I could get chicks

Anyway if I were gay I d have to change my name to Dirk or Lewis
Hang out with my mom s hair stylist his name is Kip he s got a lisp he talks like this
And wear my mother s lingerie learn the songs of Broadway
And appreciate Depeche Mode and avant garde ballet
I wish I was queer so I could get chicks
Chicks dig guys that are
Queer guys that don t dig
Chicks dig guys that are
Queer guys that don t dig
Chicks dig guys that are
Queer guys that don t dig
Chicks that don t dig guys like me
See I m not queer I m too ugly
And I don t shave my heiny
Don t shave my heiny
See I m not queer I m too ugly

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